Episode 16 · 34:50
Are you settling?
Settling is not always obvious; it can look like gratitude, patience or a sensible compromise while a persistent part of you knows something needs attention. Dan and Tom examine money, work, relationships and the signals that distinguish contentment from quiet resignation.
They suggest treating dissatisfaction as information to investigate rather than an instruction to blow everything up.
The useful bits
What to take with you
- Contentment feels chosen; settling often requires repeatedly silencing the same concern.
- A recurring feeling deserves investigation even when you cannot yet name the solution.
- Test a different possibility on a small scale before making a dramatic change.
- Wanting growth does not require dismissing the value of what you already have.
Watch the conversation
The original episode.
Full conversation
Transcript
Transcript generated from YouTube captions. Dan/Tom speaker attribution is AI-assisted and may occasionally be incorrect.
Happy New Year Happy New Year [Music] if I don't smash the camera and you don't smash the camera screen with the uh bottle with um with our mugs yeah the thing is it slightly looks like a hammer when you hold on it well that's why I went for these larger mugs so um it makes sense a white hammer head and the size of our heads aren't they from the big mug company so so it is January and we are starting a.
Fresh um we are episode 16. so we've done this for like 15 weeks this is now our 16th week I realized that some of them the 15th week didn't publish on some platforms so maybe people have two to listen to or to catch up over the Christmas holidays and the New Year holiday but I wanted to come in heart with basically what we should talk about in this episode which is are you some kind of music because I'm like we're coming.
In we should put a track in the back yeah yeah it is because I also sing that track as well settling and I've forgotten the name of what I wanted to mediocracy so are you basically settling with some mediocre just so so because it's easier rather than going for what's a little bit harder but more in line with what you feel that you're made to to do or me to to create or meet to um yeah me to do and I think a lot of.
The times we will settle with mediocracy because it's easier there's less fear there's less uncertainty there's less um worries fears anxieties uh there's less questions there's less dependencies there's less opinions um so yeah those are all the reasons why we end up settling um and I don't mean settling um necessarily always in the sense of going from employment to self-employment I mean settling working for that employer it might be that you would prefer to do another industry and jump.
Ship or working for another company or building a side project so I recognize January is that time where everybody's going to be talking about goals and what are you planning on doing this year and sometimes that can be uh too intense what I would be like if you were listening to this today I want today to be somewhat irritating because I want you to reflect on well it's easy for you to say this is why it's hard for me and if.
If those kind of like feelings come up like that's that's a good thing because you can then take them one by one and challenge them so like yeah it's easy for you to say quit your job and go and you know go self-employed but you don't have kids you don't know how hard it is so I recognize everybody will have a very distinct um objections to what I hope that we can stir up but ultimately the goal here is.
Just a I was telling Tom when I wanted to start the new year with a fresh episode I wanted basically to create such an episode that you that somebody uh listening would comment be like easy for you to say like you don't understand my situation and I think it's not necessarily about um arguing or um kind of go going backwards and forwards with uh somebody that has a rebuttal to like to understand your situation like is it like a oh you don't.
Understand my situation so show me compassion or is it you don't know my situation so I don't need to do anything or listen to anything of course there's always going to be empathy because everybody's situation is unique even just in me saying you know whether or not you have kids or or you know whether or not you're caring for a sick parent or you know everybody will have very specific reasons but I think I would say like let's cut the.
Right to some degree and I want to irritate that into people just so you're challenging yourself on whether or not this is an excuse or a real reason why it can't happen in route a but it doesn't mean that route B can't happen so it's kind of like it's more what I want this away rather than they don't know yeah I want this irritation so if you're listening to us or watching us I want you to feel a little bit irritated.
To be like and challenge yourself and question yourself and question your rebuttals so if I'm like if you are employed right now and you're not happy why have you not left you know like why have you not quit and if you instantly reactionary is like well I can't quit because I've got to pay the mortgage like who else is going to pay the mortgage oh I can't quit because you know I've got kids to look at I completely understand so it's like.
I I understand so I have empathy for those rebuttals but like challenge those rebuttals because ultimately I think there's there's a way that you can do both as in you can still look after your kids you can still pay them mortgage you can still look after that sick parent and and also be happy in the job that you do or in the role that you do or whatever side hustle you've started and stuff and again I'm very aware that side.
Hustles aren't for everybody so it's a it's a case of like are you happy with what you're doing right now and and really like challenge yourself because if you are not then you need to quit you need to change you need to start doing something you need to stop doing something to get out of that and I recognize instinctively there'll be the how dare you guys you guys are saying it because you chill like you're like happy on a Tuesday.
Afternoon saying like I should change my job like easy for you to say well I understand that but it's like so what like we don't benefit from saying anything like this right we don't benefit from telling somebody to quit their job the only benefit is the person like you guys listening you are going to benefit from a change because I hope though whatever change of circumstance or situation that does happen that does get planned in over over whatever time.
Period it needs to be you will be happier than staying exactly where you are because you don't want to rock the boat it's too hard like even age you know somebody might feel like they're too old right and I think challenge yourself to be like is that a defensive thing to basically get out of the hard work or is it a reality thing and actually the hard work just needs to be like strategically positioned so you can succeed and it not be something that.
Holds you back from you yourself feeling Joy so yeah I would say right now are you settling with an address in whatever you are in okay indeed it's a long intro there you go you can chime in now I was gonna say nothing to do with your topic is the fact that we've finally sorted out you can't hijack this you've got to keep to the topic otherwise people will feel technically it is on the topic of frustration and stuff but it's like the.
Audio and video quality on my side has been really sucky but we've upgraded my mic if you can see this um and also we have finally fixed the linking up my iPhone to my MacBook um first of all problems it was a a um what you call it Chrome wasn't liking it so I've had to go with brave and it's one of those things it's like it's always been a frustration but instead of um not doing anything it's just doing.
Research so doing research to be like I know my iPhone is good enough to do this like since the update it's a x s so 10s um I know my macbook's good enough so what is the issue and I think it is having that that determination that even though you might butt heads a couple of times like you might want to leave but then you get some good feedback that makes you feel good so then you don't want to leave it's that.
Having that I guess conviction that you want to do something in a certain way and then going out and doing it um and maybe doing it with a group of people like if you've got a partner or family or whatever you need people's buy-in but equally it's sort of discerning when you know something needs to happen so I know I wanted the system to work save buying another camera or or around because just small things like I know it improves the video quality which.
Is better so it looks like high production when really it's just I'm using my iPhone um but yeah if that makes sense I will allow that comment as you type it in nicely so also in an interesting comment to you this is this is live production right here is I've turned off the the screen of my MacBook so I don't actually know what your facial features look like to force me to look at the camera as if I'm doing eye contact to.
Avril oh right right because every time that you move I actually look down so if I'm a distraction point of view I've turned it off but equally it means if you're quiet I don't know if you're there so it sounds myself which is interesting I think it was only dead air fill it I've I've positioned my camera to kind of be eye line and then you're just slightly off to the right because I want to get better at doing pieces to camera.
Because again I want individuals that are listening to like see a little bit more intentionality with us staring at them be like question yourself and and challenge yourself to figure out January has come round are you happy yes or no and if you're not happy what things can you address to make changes I agree with the whole like rocking the bow so um in Rocking The Boat they might kind of say oh but we really really appreciate you and then there's like one.
One thing that basically if you are unhappy one thing that means you're not gonna leave is the fear of other people's opinions right or not even the fear but the respect of other people's opinions and therefore if somebody's like oh but you're really valuable and and all this stuff I think it's the responsibility that you feel for other people's businesses or other people's careers wanting this podcast to be tools to help people get frustrated and assess life or is it more of a journeying with.
The group that are watching of this is the thing that's frustrating me and I'm going to walk through what I'm gonna do and keep tabs on what I'm doing or all of the above right so if you're frustrated with where you're at and you want to get out you want to change your situation you want to just feel happier about your situation then speak to us like we're happy to we're happy to have a private chat right and then the second thing is like I want.
To find um people that have the energy and want to change and need five percent to get over the line those people that want five percent encouragement just to get over line because you're nearly there you know you you dislike the situation that you're in right you you know you hate that boss you know that you hate working in that particular way or with those particular people with those clients and you're like five percent away from like you.
Might have like looked for some new jobs but you didn't go for it like you're five percent away from like actually getting over the line into a much much better situation now of course the next situation might not always instantly be better because there's still a bunch of uncertainty and stuff but I guess it's like holding tight that on the long form it's going to work out and it is going to be better so not only when you're five percent away from doing.
It but when you do do it and you feel like literally you're trying to walk on water but you start to sink what happens there the quickest thing is to get back on the boat and that's also the bit of support that I think that we can provide in encouraging you not necessarily to get back on the boat but to wait it out but in a way that's you know mindful of the pressures right it doesn't mean you know.
You don't have any income for three months and I think it's a case of let's talk about it and basically be your best friend so you have a an ability to bounce stuff off um and what we'll do is just feed you with some insights and some interesting perspectives to help you on this journey if you're that person that needs five percent encouragement to leave that job you're in or go and get another job or start that side hustle weigh your five.
Percent because all you need is five percent to get over the line so we're in for you yeah I don't really know what to add because you're doing very clever answering your own question and leave me in the Lurch but I I think I think I think for me it's like how I envisage stuff is like imagine a garden it could be overgrown it could be perfect and it's more the fact that do you see the garden that's in front of.
You of what you actually want it to be because even if it's a perfect garden let's say it's got a pool and a Jacuzzi but you hate water then it's not a perfect garden for you so it's creating that vision and fleshing it out of let's say it is a 50-year plan to get to that perfect point or whatever or that point that you think is better than now but was that okay what's that one step for today right is that.
Building Rome doesn't happen in a day Vibes it's like slow and steady so so and obviously you get motivation from that so then if you can speed things up because then you get energy because your happiness is increasing then cool like then do two tasks three times before time and then let it spitball into something greater rather than going I need to do 20 tasks and I do one and then I feel bad I need to do 21 tasks the next day because I didn't.
Do the the one yesterday and then you feel bad it's like you know what it's like one thing and if it is okay I don't know what the vision of a garden should look like but it's overgrown so let me just do the basics of going back to basic let's just cut it all back so I know what I'm working with and I'll look at the tools I've got to then see what I want to build it into because I think.
Sometimes just cutting back either time energy um effort finances and then you can see what is actually left over to then be like oh I didn't know that actually I've got 400 quid because I've canceled loads of um subscriptions I didn't know about and I've got a rebate or whatever that 400 quid actually I want to buy or put deposit towards the laptops and start a business or whatever and sometimes you have to do that pruning of going okay do I actually want.
The lifestyle that I want um yeah I would say to add to these things so basically you need to ask yourself have you been rationalizing mediocracy have you been rationalizing mediocracy for your own situation or your own life it reminds me of the mediocracy again like just so so people that don't understand it will do like it it's good enough it's good enough like there's nothing unique like you've got the house you've got the dog you've got the car.
You've got the husband wife flash partner you know like so so like coasting yeah it's it's coasting or not really you know just like basically being a doorstop when you're the hammer right it's kind of like really you should be out here trying to find the place for you as the hammer and I would say like what I like about the fact that you're saying visualize of course sometimes it's a case of visualizing what could be rather than what you're.
Losing and it's a case of empowering Yourself by visualizing the opportunity that is ahead of you to encourage you to get out of the situation rather than to fear what you're leaving behind and then it reminds me of the book of the uh the parable in the Bible parable is another word for story sorry in the Bible where um guy gives a bunch of Investments um to his five friends he gives 10 let's say let's put it in many terms.
Gives 10K to one guy 5K to another person you know 1K to another person and basically the person with tenge invests it the the boss or whatever goes for for Holiday comes back off the holiday and and wants to ask what these Investments how these Investments have been so the guy with 10K or the person with 10K says hey I doubled your investment I now got 20K and the boss is like Well Done nice one I'm really pleased.
Person with 5K say well I've managed to add an extra 2K so now it's 7K and it's like awesome well done pleased with you and then the person with 1K basically decided to just bury it and the boss is super annoyed at the guy that buried it or the person that buried it because that person could have literally put it in a savings account and got one percent on it which had been better than burying it now the story.
That story the thing that jumps out to me is it doesn't matter how much you multiply right the reaction of the bus is still the same so whether or not you add 2K 20K 50k doesn't matter what you do but it's what you have right what you have if you were able to multiply it doesn't matter how many times you multiply it but it's the fact you have multiplied it the biggest gym part is exactly the annoyance that somebody that has.
Something again it doesn't matter how much or how little but it's the fact that they've not multiplied whatever they do have so I would be like don't be in a situation where somebody AKA your creator could be like hey I gave you all these talents I gave you the one talent I gave you the five talents and you didn't do anything with it like don't be that person so if you've got a particular talent and it doesn't necessarily mean that you have to.
Multiply it in a monetary sense right because I just use monetary just to visualize the story it doesn't mean that you have to create 5K or 10K necessarily it's just like grow in that skill set right develop that skill set like go to the gym and have slightly bigger muscles for that one skill right if it's drawing or or whatever you've got like just draw some alternative yeah just drawing the gym then then you can figure out what to do the most.
Important thing is like have you or have you not buried one or many of your talents and skills and of course you might not know what your talents and skills are the easiest way to do that is ask people closest to you ask them to list two or three things that they think you're good at and basically if they say you know if there's some pattern in there great if there's not a pattern in there you know do what yeah you enjoy it and and try.
New things to figure out what your skills are like do it do the work internally to figure out that thing right gravity I've forgotten it I think we should just chime in over each other let's let's fight him I did and you said let me finish and then that took a bit longer than I anticipants because I wanted to finish the visualization yeah you took too long for my small brain of the time we're feisty in the top brain we're feisty in.
This one I think so yeah so what was it don't settle and we're talking about talents multiplying yeah I remember good okay Steve is um I find it fascinating I think coming from a working class background is you always class finances from um the amount rather than percentage and what I mean by that is let's say let's say I earn 20K I'm a house takes out of me for a year 10K but then let's say someone earns 40K.
And the house takes away 20K those are still the same amounts but the person that's on the lower wage will look to the other person be like you're doubling the amount on your housing that's crazy but also they're doubling the amount their profit but you don't always take that into consideration then being off a percentage that's like actually those two on a percentage point of view are exactly the same situation but the the the poorer person I've been.
There in many cases is you always look up and being like oh if I was in that situation I'll go cheaper housing so don't even get more money but actually it sort of you're not letting yourself necessarily enjoy the money that you have but if it was based on percentages because I've heard people say what is it live off 50 percent spend like enjoyment 30 save 20 or whatever yep so really you should be satisfied with that but if you're not.
Keeping to that because you're trying to scrimp on every item I'm a pro at this is you you then maybe invest 20 and then create a lifestyle that fills up once the rest is 80 and then you don't have like holidays that actually should be the 30. or whatever but yeah it's just a fascinating thing of if you changed all your finances or do budgeting for starters if you haven't to find out where where is your boat leaking as I call it.
Um where you're losing out on money that you don't realize but then transition it into a chart of percentages because at the end of the day you might be trying to save on like um let's say a pound a month on something when really you should call up your your phone contract with people because they're charging you five pounds more a month and sometimes you focus on the one pound for ages and you get stuck there and really it's like now what is the biggest.
Percentage thing and the focus on the biggest percentage first knock that down the most and then work your way lower down the list because then you'll get more of a saving rather than getting removing a pound thing look at something that's 20 pound that you could get down to 15 pound then you're like sweet if that makes sense I sort of feel like my brain is scattered while same as no this is fine it makes sense because what.
I was going to add is so another two things one the reason why I'm saying this is because this is documentary uh documenting basically myself narrative so every time I record a podcast with Tom I watch it back because I want to basically feed off what I'm saying back to myself as well so I can then pick up stuff so in me sharing like have you settled it's also a question to myself have I settled and I'm always.
Trying to make sure that I'm not settling um so it's something that I'm constantly trying to make sure and it doesn't mean that I'm then anxious about stuff it means I'm finding the best iteration to give me the most return on energy the REM the most return on anything that I put into it and then going off Tom's um Point around the practical help one thing I want to do is start a newsletter or not want to we're going to and we're.
Going to call it the bottom line now emails are pretty good for being lengthy and stuff and I don't want it to be lengthy I just want it to be two things and this is where Tom and I kind of split in some of our specialty when it comes to just like life um it's gonna be two things number one is going to be how to grow your income so that'll be business ideas it'll be employment ideas side hustles for all the Growers out.
There and the second point in no particular order is just like two points and then the second point will be how to cut um expenses or save money so for example for all the travelers all the shrinkers so what we're wanting to do is basically give you two points a week and I'm not saying that all points will be relevant all the time but it's a case of getting yourself into the right mindset now when it comes to these first.
Going back to the frustrations of um easy for you to say well a lot of the time it's a it's a mindset trick right so how did let's say Tom and I how did we not settle with mediocracy and how do we continue not to settle with you know so so it's by challenging our mindset and our beliefs like we did an episode way way back about challenging belief and it's about that self-reflection and also about brainwashing brain washing.
Yourself with positive stuff surrounding yourself with positive people and positive influences so you can believe even though I do have um kids I can still do it you know and it's not about grind and hustle I'm not saying that this is hustle culture and you need to do hustle stuff like I've experienced and seen when hassle culture goes wrong because hustle culture is is fake like not necessarily working hard is the the right thing it's about working intelligently right working.
Smart and I would say because we believe in God and believe in his intervention into how we work I think there's a an easier route it doesn't necessarily mean that um it's without the work cause you have to believe in it and kind of like go with that as well but I definitely think that this shouldn't necessarily be like how can you work harder or more there are aspects of that but I've started to be like how could.
You do less but do do um do less as in like then you're focused in on the one thing that gives you that sense of Joy or give you that sense of excitement um and that's the thing that that tips the needle over I was thinking of a journal that was useful that I've not yet finished and I think it's called The Mind journal and it's mainly a journal for um it's Focus towards guys but literally the first one of the first Pages it has.
Literally like a spider chart I think it's called basically like a circle with loads of lines around it and it's you pick each topic around it so it might be family friends finances health um a dire Hobbies or whatever and it's a zero to ten of basically are you happy with where you're at and it is really interesting because it just refines instead of going are you happy in life yes no you might go no because like I.
Don't know why but no but then when you like cut them all out it might be like actually I'm really happy in life in everywhere bar finances yeah okay now let's drill down is it my job or is it just the finances what come in and a pay rise might be good enough um so it is quite good at going maybe it is segmenting out every part of your life to be like down to either different individual people different tasks around the house.
Or car or general life life admin and stuff different sort of topic areas so it might be like finances or admin or planning because you still need planning and admin skills for going on holiday but I know it's not my strength so then sometimes I lose out on having a holiday because I see the barriers in place um so then when you do segment it out and go okay it's really difficult or I don't like admin then you've got a.
Choice to still do it because it's worth the reward let's say a holiday or it's not worth it because it's a job that you don't like so you go okay let's look elsewhere so it helps refine to understand again what's what's going on in your heart or head because sometimes by having a feeling that you're like I'm unhappy right now is the classic thing is the people close to you might be like are you unhappy with me and it's like no it's something.
Else but I can't quite pinpoint it so sometimes it might stress people out if you verbalize it out loud when actually it might be just a reoccurring week in week out thing that let's say um someone's being nasty with you in your hobby and you don't because you're trying to brush it off your shoulders maybe you're not taking it in but then it's affecting your enjoyment with your hobby and it's making you think about should you leave that hobby should you move on should you.
Try something else so then it drips into every element of your life rather than just enjoying the hobby for what it's worth yeah um but yeah there's a other thoughts yeah and none of this is ever easy it all requires a lot of um self-improvement that mindset work which is really challenging but I think ultimately you've just got to look back at before you even started this like the happiness levels of that or it might be that you are happy but there's something.
That you can eek out as in like one make sure that that's real happiness and it's not just well I've I've just thankful about the situation because at least it's not at least I'm not you know on the streets or homeless or whatever so it's like true happiness and hopefulness and also reflecting on how you can improve that even further still by just feeling more fulfilled and I guess we're using the word happiness but really it's like do you do you feel fulfilled in.
Whatever you're spending your time on people you're spending your time with um in whatever in this 360 perspective and I would add to that is if you've got that secret answer of fulfillment or happiness share it because there's a lot of people that do struggle of not knowing either in the small areas like just their hobby or location of where they live if they're happy without or bigger areas like say their work or their family that you can offload some.
Insight or knowledge on a voluntary basis because at the end of the day if if your friends get blessed it bless you like you enjoy seeing them having a fulfilled life that then might change their perspective and change their lifestyle yeah I was thinking that um maybe a future stage it'd be cool to create um some sort of a group I will say Facebook group but I don't necessarily mean specifically a Facebook group but some sort of Facebook group for you know.
Listeners so they can basically connect with one another because I hope that they're basically all journeying at different points and different degrees into greater sense of purpose and fulfillment and and that's whether or not you're not sure because you've just come out of school and you are kind of figuring stuff out or you're about to go to university or whether you have been working that job for 20 years and you you want to go into a second leg of life.
Like a half time and this is your second half and freaking figuring that stuff out so there'll be always somebody at a certain point so you can always look back one or two steps to kind of help those individuals get those one or two steps further to where you are and and vice versa to help things because ultimately this should be a community of people that do help you each other whether or not you have the answers or.
Don't have the answers um comment suggestion to help yeah yeah yeah so not only I hope that I've got people to comment because they're how dare you say am I settling with you know mediocracy because I've got this situation but I also hope that you feel encouraged to comment because you have found your niche as they would say in America or your Niche um and you have found the thing that works for you um and ultimately it's a working.
Progress we don't have the answers we're just trying to figure out the answers and the bits that we do have answers for we'll share it in hope that it helps somebody that slightly um further back it doesn't mean anything because again people overtake at different times as well it's not necessarily in competition it's all trying to innovate and Inspire each other into a different way but before I forget last week we mentioned um about like And subscribe liking and.
Subscribing which we really appreciate if you're able to do that and what I would say if this is second video so if this is your first time listening to this it's fine you can have this freebie but if you listen to a second episode of any of our stuff then then it's like let's do it let's subscribe you know less like the podcast because it we both really appreciate it and then I was going to say jingle January.
So we've not created a jingle January form yet but we will create a jingle jangery form so you can submit your Jingles to be placed on don't be a door stop podcast and we're going to place it on February so your entries will have to come in uh January and we'll select it and basically the winner will be selected in at the end of January and then we'll start using it in February so um like we said in the last episode and.
Only maybe only half of our audience sorry because it was only up a couple hours ago for some platforms but um like we said before if you include uh door slamming and and um hammer noises or hammers then that's a that's a bonus as well so and it's at uh no I was going to say we should probably think of some question for someone to go away with just in case let's say they're listening to this in the car and forgotten everything that we.
Said what is one thing that could take away because my mind went blank at the same time what is one place you can prune back in life to create space for you to build whatever's in your heart or on your mind um so that's one area or one thing you can stop doing or cut back or decrease to create space and energy and create space to create an energy for a new thing or to build on top of an existing thing and.
Another thought oh just because this is how my brain works and my final thought if you find games easy to do so strategy games or like games like Sims or Cod or anything you're constantly using your brain to strategize how to improve working from like a small house to a big house if it Sims or like a rubbish gun to a good gun and flashing that out bring that mentality to to your life pretend that your game your game as you've picked.
Yourself and then you need a strategize of how to build a bigger household obviously not how to get better guns unless you're in America that might be a thing but it's like how would you improve those different stats of you um so if you do enjoy games use that to uh gamify your life gaming for your life and on that point keep hammering those Nails bye for now.